A Journey of Hope: My Son's Miracle After the Accident

As I walked up the stairs of my three-story townhome and continued down the hallway, I had this eerie feeling; something felt off, something wasn't right. My door was closed. Did I close my door? I asked myself. That's weird; I don't remember closing it. I opened the door and walked into a dark bedroom, where my three-year-old was taking a nap, or at least, I thought. I looked at the bed, the pillows we used to prop Jax on his side were all messed up and lying on top of him. My heart sank. I hurried over to turn on the bathroom light so I could see better; I didn't want to wake him. He had spent the whole day crying, and he needed to get some sleep. Something wasn't right. I found him lying face down on his stomach, his face turned down in the blanket. Pillows piled on top of him. I turned his head to one side; as I did this, the blanket was warm where he tried to breathe. His disease limits his ability to move he wasnt able to simply turn his head so he could breath. Fuck! My heart started racing. I bent down to see if I could see his chest moving. Nothing, his chest was not moving. I then turned him completely over on his back. I still couldn't see his chest moving. I put my cheek by his mouth to feel his breath; nothing. I ran over, turned on the bedroom light, and looked down at him, he was pale as a ghost, and his lips were blue. TREV, I screamed, get up here, Jax isn't breathing! My husband darted up the stairs. We both stared at him for a few seconds, our bodies frozen, not knowing what to do; we were in complete shock. Quick, we need to give him CPR. My husband picked up his lifeless body and laid it on the floor; he began CPR, still in full shock. We've never been in this situation before, especially with our own kid. Where's my phone? I need to call 911. I can't find my phone; where is it? I cried! Finally, I found it and called 911. Hello, we need help; our baby isn't breathing. We are sending an ambulance now; keep doing cpr she said. My reality was settling in, and I started panicking and crying in agony at this point. I sat on the bed and watched from above as my three-year-old lay lifeless on the floor. I bent down to look at him; I saw his tongue start twitching. Maybe, just maybe, there is hope! I ran downstairs to watch for the ambulance. I stood on my front porch in absolute fear and terror as tears and sobs ran down my face. My neighbors were outside; I couldn't even muster up any words; I just stood there crying. Finally, they made it; I ran and stood in the street waving them down. Several guys jumped out of the truck. I screamed, hurry, this way, as we darted up two flights of stairs, and they ran in after me and took over. I sat on the bed and watched; I was in complete terror. Fuck, I thought, this is all my fault, panicking like I never had before. My baby is gone, my baby is gone, I told myself. My body was completely numb at this point; I couldn't sit still. I was pacing back and forth on the bed. I told the officer what happened with my voice trembling. Suddenly Jax started breathing, happy tears ran down my face, thank God! What a miracle! They hurried and loaded him up; we need to get him to the closest hospital. I climbed in the ambulance with no shoes, nothing. "Steph, don't you need some shoes?" That seemed so pointless at the time; "Sure, I guess, let's just go." My husband stayed back with the cop refusing to leave. As the cop sweated him and asked him a million questions as if he was guilty of this, Trevor finally said, "I need to go see my son; you need to leave." In Trev's mind, he thought Jax had passed away. He raced to the hospital and called our families to tell them he had died. When he walked in, Jax was breathing; he was alive! It was a freaking miracle!

"How long was he without oxygen?" they asked. I honestly had no idea; I thought he was asleep. I was downstairs cooking dinner so we could finish getting ready for our date. It must have been more than ten minutes, I said. I told my story a few times to a few different doctors. None of them knew what to do for him. He was breathing, and that was a miracle itself. They gave him breathing treatments to help his throat. We are going to send him up to Primaries in Salt Lake where there are specialists that could care for him better. Ok, I said, I was also filled with a lot of feelings in this moment. What was going to happen from here on out. I was terrified wondering how much brain damage he had. Would Jax ever be the same? I was also full of gratitude that he was still alive. We took another ambulance ride up to Primary Children's Hospital. My mind replayed all the events that had just happened. I was processing it all. How could this happen? When we arrived, a whole team was there to assist us, and they took him straight to the ER. They asked me countless questions, with a room full of nurses and doctors, everyone in full panic mode. They cut his shirt right off of him and started to get to work. My anxiety was through the roof as I tried to recall the terrible event that had just taken place. Social workers hovered over me, ensuring I was okay. Of course, I wasn't okay; I had just seen my son without a pulse, lifeless and blue. Who would be okay? I remember just wanting to be alone! Time had slowed down, and I was in complete shock. After hours of sitting in the uncomfortable chairs and explaining the story multiple times, it was finally time to move to the PICU. There I laid curled up at the end of Jax's bed all night, listening to his raspy breaths. His little lungs were working so hard to keep breathing. The doctors eventually put a breathing tube in, and he remained like that for two weeks. They tried several times to remove it, and every time he struggled to breathe on his own. The doctors came to believe there was no hope for Jax. "He was without oxygen for too long," they said. "There's too much brain damage. Jax will never be able to breathe on his own," they told us. "He will be on a ventilator for the rest of his life. It's time to consider what's best for Jax," they said. He wont have a good quality of life. "We have medicine that will make him very comfortable, and he will go peacefully in his sleep." What the hell, this can't be the end of his story, I thought, feelings of guilt settled in. I cried more than I've ever cried before, wanting to put a gun to my head. There was no hope, no future, just darkness. As I thought about what to do over and over in my head. Wanting what's best for Jax, but would I be able to make that choice? I felt as if I had to end my child's life. No parent should ever have to be in this situation. It's the worst feeling in the world!!

NO, my husband said, I think Jax can breathe. He was Jax's advocate this time. He was certain Jax could breathe. We are not giving up on him! He just needs the steroid for the swelling in his throat that one of the doctors had suggested. You doctors failed to communicate with each other. It was flu season up there, and there were a lot of different doctors on and off their shifts. They were overworked and tired, which is scary because they have our kid's lives in their hands and parents trusting them. They agreed and said, okay, we will try one last time. They gave him the steroid and pulled the tube out. I sat next to him, holding his hand. We all waited, staring at him intently. Come on, Buddy, we believe in you, you can do it. As they removed the tube Jax started breathing on his own with no choking or gasping for air. He looked up at me and gave me a little grin; my stomach sank, but in a good way, I started crying in relief. It was honestly one of the best moments of my life!

He was finally given his own room on the floor, as they call it, where they could monitor his heart and make sure everything was okay. We stayed there for another two weeks. I was scared to see how he would recover, not knowing if the same Jax would be coming home with us. No one to this day knows how much brain damage was done or how long he was without oxygen. He was a freaking miracle! The crazy thing was when we came home, he was an even better Jax. He was a happy, smiley boy who had a lot to say. We spent the next four years with a happy, healthy Jax and made some of the best times of our lives. We lived, laughed, and loved more deeply. He had taught us so much that month. Life could always be harder. From that moment on, Trev and I were determined to give Jax the best life we could with the time we had left. We started to get better that day; our family got better. We were finally happy. 2019 was one of the best years of my life!

This tragedy was a blessing in disguise; we weren't waiting for Jax to die anymore; we decided to start living instead. Best decision of our lives! We started living and being grateful for things. We started hiking and going out with friends and doing fun things with Jax. From this moment on, I am going to give Jax the best life I can and make as many memories as possible. I want him to live a life as full as Jax could. Our life was different from others, but it was what we knew. It was our little family against the world, and we were finally happy. No one understood, and that was finally okay. I didn't need them to anymore. I also gained a new relationship with God. I wasn't as angry anymore. I felt blessed with everything I had learned and gained in my life at that point. I knew I needed a higher power to get me through life. I couldn't do it by myself anymore. I was filled with a new strength and a new perspective on life. Life has a way of teaching us; the universe or God gives you what you need, not what you think you need...

This year wouldn't have been the same if it weren't for enduring the hard times! We lived, laughed, and loved! From celebrating birthdays and holidays, to spending time with friends, enjoying makeovers, working out, baking, and playing, it was one of the best years of our lives. By learning to dance in the rain and embrace the storms of our lives, we put ourselves back together again!