Navigating Dark Times, Battling Grief and Overcoming Depression

The next stage of grief was the ANGER! I emphasize anger because it was such a powerful emotion that took over for a long time. This was the darkest time of my life. Left me miserable, resentful and unhappy a lot of the time. People often told me I was chosen to endure this. My initial thought was, "If you truly understood the pain I was experiencing, you might reconsider saying that to me." Naturally, they didn't understand. It's something you must go through to truly comprehend. I should have been more understanding towards those trying to comfort me, but that wasn't where I was at the time. Now, I can appreciate the effort some made because many didn't make any effort at all. They didn't realize I was in constant physical pain every day, from the moment I woke up until I closed my eyes. I was living every parent's worst nightmare, anticipating my baby's passing. If there was a God, this seemed like a cruel joke. I became very angry! Everyone in my life disappeared; those I expected to support me weren't there. Everyone moved on with their lives while mine remained stagnant. My world became very small. I was trapped in my own personal hell! I began drinking to numb the pain and cope with my situation. I battled suicidal thoughts; I just wanted the pain to stop. I longed to be in heaven with Jax, where I could care for him as I believed I should. I didn't want to be here anymore. One night, in a very dark moment, I took a knife from the kitchen drawer and held it to my wrist, desperately wanting to end my life. Just do it, I told myself, end the suffering. As tears ran down my face and adrenaline run through my body. One thought ran through my mind, who would take care of Jax if I wasn't here? Just wait until he passes, then you can do it. I talked myself out of it that night and put the knife away and went upstairs to go to bed. I struggled with these thoughts for a long time. This was a very difficult time for my husband and me. I struggled to take care of myself, to care about anything really. I don't think he realized how depressed I was. Honestly, I don't think anyone knew... The first three years of Jaxs life was the darkest time of mine. Wishing now I could have enjoyed that time a little more. All I have is memories and I do my best to remember the good ones. Wishing I could have been stronger or been a better wife, daughter or sister. That's life you can only do the best you can with where you are and forgive yourself later. Hopefully others can forgive you as well.

Damn! My head is pounding as I wake up with yet another hangover. I stumble my way to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, but this time, the girl staring back at me is unrecognizable. Who are you? Is this really my life? I was consumed with grief and pain daily, carrying the weight of my son's horrible diagnosis. I felt the weight on my shoulders, and it felt like a thousand pounds. I've been trying so hard to numb my pain every day, precisely at 4:00 p.m., with another drink. Feeling completely abandoned by people I thought would show up for me. Don't they realize I'm struggling? Can't they see my situation for what it is and come to save me or at least help me? I struggled with this for years, but no one came. I finally came to a place where I knew it was time for me to move forward. No one was going to save me; I had to save myself. Believing that I was unloved and no one cared about me or my son. Of course, that wasn't true, but that's how I felt. I was at the lowest point in my life, not wanting to live. I was surviving and, at times, not the best. If you're in this place I get it. You have to finally realize I am worth saving. No one will or can do it for you. If they did, you would be missing out on the lessons and strength you needed to learn for yourself. Maybe they don't know how to save you or the right thing to say. It's hard for people that care about you to watch you struggle. It was time for me to move forward, to make the best of our situation, and to try to accept everything that happened. This was not an easy journey! One step and a time and I eventually got stronger!

My younger self. I feel deep compassion for her. When I see these pictures, I recognize how much I was struggling during this period of my life...

If you are in a dark place, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to want it for yourself. Make the choice to choose you, love you, and show up for you! Move yourself forward one step at a time. The smallest step is enough. When you're finally sick and tired of being sick and tired, choose to get better for you or someone you love. Mental healing is possible. I know this to be true. You have to do the work, and it's hard but worth it! It takes time and sometimes professional help. There are important lessons that you need to learn from in the midst of your suffering. In the darkest, hardest times of your life, that's when you grow the most! I fought this at my core but realized years later it's true. You have to be broken open to be reborn again. It sucks when you're in it, but once you get to the other side, there is healing, growth, and transformation. God, the universe, higher power, whatever you believe in, wants you to learn and grow. Find your purpose; life is our biggest teacher, and the world is our classroom. We learn and grow from others, sometimes for only a small chapter of our lives. Not everyone is supposed to be in our life forever. You are in charge of your life and your own happiness. Once I started to understand this, I started to get better. Happiness is an inside job and requires a lot of work. Once I finally sought help, I realized I should have done it sooner, which would have spared me much suffering. Start loving yourself, valuing yourself, and choosing yourself! I choose myself every day, and I am the freest I've ever been!