Embracing Change: My Journey of Self-Discovery and Growth

My journey raising a medically fragile child the last ten years has been the most challenging and rewarding period of my life. It was undeniably the hardest time and yet most fulfilling time of my life. I lost the life I envisioned, the relationships I expected, and the son I thought I would have. I faced financial difficulties, marital issues, loss of identity, a crisis of faith, debilitating depression, low self-worth, diminished self-esteem, a lack of joy in life, and battled suicidal thoughts. This era was marked by pain, struggle, loss, grief, and trauma, yet it was also filled with love, growth, wisdom, beauty, laughter, strength, and a new perspective on life. It changed me, I changed never to be the same again. I experienced many joyful moments, underwent personal growth, and discovered courage and strength I never knew possible for myself. I embraced a spiritual practice that brings me peace and the resilience to move forward. I developed a relationship with God and found an understanding that resonated with me. I spent years of my life searching for what I believed in. We all have what we were taught as kids but it's something different to find it for yourself. I've gone through moments of immense joy and times of deep despair. These years have truly been the best and hardest times of my life. The years have shaped me into the woman I am today. As a 37-year-old woman, I have become the strongest version of myself, the most healed I've ever been. It was the fight of my life to reach this point, but it was entirely worth it. I am finally here, and it feels amazing. It requires a lot of work and sacrifice, but it's completely worth it. I am still learning and growing and that's awesome because that means I am still here. The best thing about aging is you can grow into the person you were always meant to be!

After my son's devastating diagnosis at 3 months old, and at my young age of 27, I grappled with severe depression and anxiety. It was the kind of depression that leaves you collapsed on the bathroom floor, disconnects you from relationships, prevents you from living your life, and becoming your best self. The kind that makes you see a stranger in the mirror, makes it hard to enjoy things you once loved, and leaves you frozen in time, robbing you of your identity and leaving you feeling lost and hopeless. I have watched my son's health decline, taking little pieces of him and, as well, pieces of me. Watching from the front lines as Canavan's disease takes my son's life. This pain is beyond any words I can express. For those who know this pain, you have my utmost respect. Carrying this pain around with you is hard; it's debilitating; it leaves you paralyzed. After spending years of Jax's life in hospital rooms, at doctor appointments, with therapists and caring for him 24/7, I started to feel run down and exhausted. I couldn't live this way forever... Something had to change. After reflecting on this time in my life, I realized I wasn't supposed to be that person forever, only for a season of my life. For a while, I felt as though I lost years of my life to depression. It was time to start living my life. It was time to start feeling good, to heal, to grow, and to start having fun. I know now that those were my learning years. I will be forever grateful for them. I had some of the best times of my life. I wouldn't be who I am today and definitely wouldn't be able to write this blog without them. I am a vessel for light, love, and God's work. Helping, serving, and connecting with those who are having personal struggles.

My personal journey really started when I began my healing and wellness journey for myself. After the loss of my daughter in 2020, I was cracked open once again. This time, I knew I needed professional help. I had hit a new bottom in my life, a bottom I had never hit before, and that's saying a lot given everything I had already been through. This time, I was shoved off a cliff, dropped into the depths of life. I had reached a new low for myself, one I had never hit before, a low that affected my self-worth and my self-esteem. Feeling completely inadequate, I was convinced my husband did not love me anymore. I was no longer loved, lovable, or enough. I had no one to love me; this I believed to my core. The loss of my daughter finally pushed me to get the help I needed so badly for so many years. She was my angel; she gave me exactly what I needed at that time in my life. This was the start of my journey, my journey for myself. I needed to find who I was again for me and love myself the way I should have been all these years. I found myself this time I was a much stronger, wiser and compassionate person. The best thing you can do for yourself is find the silver lining in the hardships you endure. My silver lining in losing my daughter was that she saved me! She pushed me to get the help I needed, forgive the people I needed to and to start my healing journey. 2021 was one of the hardest and most challenging years of my life. I had to walk through fire; I faced a complete identity crisis, possibly even a midlife crisis. Feeling like I got my life all wrong, I didn't know who I was anymore. Grief had consumed me for so many years, I felt lost. I forgot to take care of myself, to love myself, and give myself the love and support I needed. I was left feeling like life and motherhood was just about pain. I was desperate for attention, love, and to feel seen. I was hustling for approval and to be noticed by my husband. There's nothing less sexy than desperate energy, but in all the hustling and desperation, something amazing happened: I started to find myself again. I found a piece of me that had been missing for a long time. Initially, I sought approval from the outside world, aiming for external successes like a job, fitness, and achievements. These are an important part of life, but not the gravy. I was still struggling with fear and anxiety. I was not complete or whole yet. It wasn't until a couple of years later I came to realize that true happiness comes from within; it's an inside job! Once you understand this, everything else falls into place. You start healing and growing in ways you can't imagine. Can you imagine living a life where you know your self-worth and love yourself? I do now, and it's amazing! I wish this for everyone! I had to walk through fire to get to where I am, but it was worth it! I encourage anyone struggling, no matter what it is, to get the help they need. That may look different for everyone. Life is suffering, and we are all struggling; let's try to make life a little less suffering. Each year I do a little more healing and a little more living. I am finally living a life worth living, and it feels amazing! My wish is that everyone can find this for themselves. I started this blog to help others, but I didn't realize the person I was helping the most was myself.

On this journey I found who I was and who I wasn't!