We fall, we break, we get back up to find ourselves again.

My midlife "unraveling"—I actually prefer midlife awakening. I open up my most vulnerable self in hopes that it resonates with someone. It's not easy to share your most painful stories with strangers, but I do this because I care about those who are suffering. I have a deep concern for people who are struggling and for those who have been dealt a difficult hand in life. I hope that through my stories, someone else can find connection and healing, or be inspired to embark on their own healing journeys and live a happier, more fulfilling life. Life is incredibly challenging, and my dream is to encourage those who are struggling to seek help and be inspired to change their own lives. Sharing my stories has been healing for me, and it has brought me immense joy.

In 2021, I reached a breaking point after losing my daughter. At 16 weeks, her heart stopped beating, and so did mine. I was shattered once more, but this time was different—I hit a personal low I had never experienced before. I lost my sense of identity, feeling completely inadequate, not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or rich enough. My self-esteem and self-worth plummeted. The loss of my baby girl, combined with years of caring for my disabled, sick son, took its toll. I devoted myself entirely to him and his illness, anticipating his last day. Grief and emptiness consumed me daily, weighing me down to the point where some days I couldn't even get off the couch. I had lost myself completely. My identity was tied to being a special needs mom waiting for my son to pass away. Even writing that feels heavy and depressing, but it was true. My husband and I became roommates; the intimacy faded, and I felt invisible to him, a feeling I'm sure was mutual.  My husband came home one day and told me he had spotted a girl at the gym. He said, "It was really weird because she kept trying to talk to me, but all I could see were her boobs and nipples." I can laugh at this now, but at the time, my mind spiraled into a dark place filled with insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. I believed to my core my husband no longer loved me or found me attractive. I mean, why would he? I was in sweatpants pretty much daily, feeling run-down, depressed, and exhausted. I had no job; I was at the age where my wrinkles from stress were coming through. I felt like I had nothing to offer him anymore. Unknowingly, he emotionally abandoned me during the loss of our daughter and never made time for me. Yet he could give his time and attention away to someone so easily that did nothing to deserve it. To him, it meant nothing; to me, it meant everything. This seems so small, but at the time, it meant everything to me. I realized from this experience just how low I felt about myself and how much distance there was in our marriage. I had lost myself completely, my identity, confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. I had no idea who I was anymore. There was so much unhealed in me; it was time to focus on myself. Get my head above water because no one was coming to save me, and I was drowning! I made a choice for myself to choose me. For myself, I had to! I got to work. This was very uncomfortable for me at first because for so many years, I put everyone else first, but it was time for me. Through this journey, I experienced pain like you wouldn't believe. I was pushed, stretched, and challenged. It was a messy, hard, and bumpy ride yet amazing, beautiful, healing, and fulfilling. For the first time in a long time, I felt like me again. I felt alive, and it felt amazing! I will say it was worth it because I am worth it, and so are you. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was get myself out of the lowest place of my life. Getting in shape, finding myself, and healing myself was the hardest thing I've ever done but was also the most transformative, and it made me strong mentally and physically! This journey gave me the confidence I never knew possible for myself. I experienced growth and healing, a beautiful journey inward, and I had to do the work; no one could do it for me. At first, I was thrown into a midlife unraveling or a midlife crisis, whichever. At the age of 33, I questioned my life and my choices, and I felt completely lost, feeling like I made a million mistakes, but it was time to get back up and rediscover myself again. Not the mom me, not the wife me, but just simply me! I made the choice to choose me, to change for me! I promised myself I would never let myself feel that low ever again!

The next two years, I went to work on myself. It was not an easy or pretty process. I was hurting, healing, growing, living, struggling, thriving just to feel like I was failing again. It was a hard and painful process, but I don't regret any of it. I faced myself in the mirror, and that was fucking hard. I faced all of my innermost insecurities, wounds, and traumas. I took a good look at my life to this point and saw all the mistakes I made, all the things I wish I could have done differently. I had to grieve the life I wanted for myself as a younger me and get up where I was and start living a new life for myself now. I had to heal from my past mistakes, misfortunes, and even sexual trauma. I had so much healing to do, especially with my distrust in men. I had seen the worst parts of them, and it started at such a young age. With all the pain, I still decided to get up, heal, move forward, and start living my life. My sole mission was to have fun again and start enjoying life. I got in the best shape of my life, started to take pride in my appearance, and found a really good therapist who really helped work through personal issues, held my hand while I healed, grew, and changed. She supported my growth and cheered me on. I got a job and faced my fears head-on. I can't even tell you the confidence I built from working and being more independent. It felt amazing! I started to get to know myself again, and most importantly, I started to love myself and cherish the friendship I was making with myself. I dedicated a lot of time to myself and my healing journey; I had to. I had to walk through fire to get to where I am, and it was fucking hard but worth it. I believe everyone should embark on their own healing journeys, which is different for everyone. Begin from where you are, and gradually you will get stronger and wiser. One of the greatest pieces of advice I've received is to love yourself the way you wish to be loved by others. Dedicate time to yourself, treat yourself to something nice, seek therapy, prioritize exercise, focus on your mental health and healing, take yourself to lunch, take twenty minutes for yourself daily, and meditate regularly. Don't abandon yourself; take care of yourself like you're someone worthy of taking care of. The biggest things that helped me were therapy, meditation, mentors, my spiritual practice, and fitness. All of these things offered me so much healing and gave me strength. Fitness gave me the confidence and strength I never knew possible for myself. As I got stronger physically, I also got stronger mentally and emotionally. It's crazy how both go together. If you are struggling, find some way to move your body and get stronger. I also highly recommend a spiritual practice; whatever it is for you, it will help get you through your life with ease and confidence. I urge you to find a good therapist; it's amazing the healing work that goes on inside a therapy room. Therapists are human angels; find a good one! Whatever it is, do it for your own well-being. It will truly transform your life! The hardest things you can do are the most transformative. My husband and I had to look at our marriage and work through a lot of things and actually talk. The best thing we did for our marriage was start having fun again together. Make time for each other and do our best to show up for each other. We started dating again, taking trips together, and making our sex life good again. We fell back in love again. It was a lot of work, but worth it!

Through this journey, I discovered who I truly am and who I was not. I made some mistakes along the way, but eventually, I remembered what truly matters. I found my purpose in life and felt inspired to share my journey. I experienced a period where comparison dominated my life. I attempted to become everything for everyone else and what the world wanted me to be. That is not happiness; that's living for approval, and it sucked! If you want happiness, it comes from within. Happiness is an inside job. Make your inner well-being your highest priority, and the rest of your life will rock! It felt like I finally returned home, home to myself.

My advice if you're in a hard season right now or going through a difficult time is to start by showing yourself love and compassion and seek the help you need. Don't let years slip by, leaving you feeling like you've wasted so much time on grief, darkness, or unhealed wounds. I've experienced this myself, and it was a hard realization, knowing I've endured the unimaginable, yet it was still tough. Realizing you've spent years not truly living or being your best self is a harsh reality. When I finally realized I wasn't getting any younger, I knew I needed to start living, growing, and changing. Or what was the point anymore? Seeking the help I needed was the best decision I ever made, and I wish I'd done it sooner. We all reach our lowest points that drive us to change, and I finally reached mine. Focus on yourself, on your healing, your growth, and loving and forgiving those whom you need to. Love the people who love you back. Find some kind of support group, find your people! Even if it's one friend, that is enough. When you start healing, you see the blessings, peace.

Eventually, you can find balance; this may take a while, possibly years—mine did. There is freedom on the other side. There was a time to focus on myself, my healing, and my growth along with my marriage. Now, with three kids, life can sometimes feel overwhelming. The key is finding balance in everything, but most importantly, not neglecting yourself. I have my fitness goals, dedicate time to my blog, and my own growth. I also make time for my husband and kids and relationships that fill me up and make me feel good. I focus on relationships that simply make me happy. It's all about finding balance to live a happy and fulfilling life. Recognize when you're struggling or overwhelmed and recharge so you can support your loved ones in the best way possible. You cannot pour from an empty cup. My motivation now is my kids and providing them the best childhood possible. I can only do that by being my best self, so nurture yourself; heal and love yourself, only you know what you need! Transform your life! It's time to get to work! It's time to start choosing you, it's time to heal, it's time to love yourself, it's time to make a change! You can do it!