We Fall, We Break, We Get Back Up To Find Ourselves Again.

My midlife "unraveling"—I actually prefer midlife awakening. I open up my most vulnerable self in hopes that it resonates with someone. It's not easy to share your most painful stories with strangers, but I do this because I care about those who are suffering. I have a deep concern for people who are struggling and for those who have been dealt a difficult hand in life. I hope that through my stories, someone else can find connection and healing, or be inspired to embark on their own healing journeys and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

Life is incredibly challenging, and my dream is to encourage someone who is struggling to seek the help they need and believe that change is possible. Sharing my stories has been healing for me, and it has brought me immense joy.

In 2021, I reached a breaking point after losing my daughter. At 16 weeks, her heart stopped beating, and so did mine. I was shattered once more, but this time was different—I hit a personal low I had never experienced before. I lost my sense of identity; I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt completely inadequate, not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or rich enough. My self-esteem and self-worth plummeted. The loss of my baby girl, combined with years of caring for my disabled, sick son, took its toll. I devoted myself entirely to him and his illness, anticipating his last day. Grief and emptiness consumed me, weighing me down to the point where some days I couldn't even get off the couch. I had lost myself completely. My identity was tied to being a special needs mom waiting for my son to pass away. Even writing that feels heavy and depressing, but it was true. My husband and I became roommates; the intimacy faded, and I felt invisible to him, a feeling I'm sure was mutual.

My husband came home one day and told me he had spotted a girl at the gym. He said, "It was really weird because she kept trying to talk to me, but all I could see were her boobs and nipples." I can laugh at this now, but at the time, my mind spiraled into a dark place filled with insecurity. I believed to my core my husband no longer loved me or found me attractive.

I was in sweatpants pretty much daily, feeling run-down, depressed, and exhausted. I had no job, and I felt like I had nothing to offer him anymore. Unknowingly, he had emotionally abandoned me during the loss of our daughter and rarely made time for me. Yet he could give his time and attention to someone else so easily. To him, it meant nothing; to me, it meant everything.

I realized from this experience just how low I felt about myself and how much distance there was in our marriage. There was so much unhealed in me; and I knew it was time to focus on myself. I needed to get my head above water because no one was coming to save me, and I was drowning!

For so many years, I put everyone else first. Choosing myself felt uncomfortable, but I knew it was time. So, I got to work for myself. I had to.

The next two years, I went to work on myself. It was not an easy or a pretty process. I was hurting, healing, growing, living, struggling and learning how to live again. I faced myself in the mirror, and that was fucking hard. I faced all of my innermost insecurities, wounds, and traumas and the things that happened to me when I was young. I took a good look at my life to this point and saw all the mistakes I made, the things I wish I could have done differently.

I had to grieve the life I wanted for my younger self and except where I was. I couldn't go back and change my past, but I could decide what I wanted my life to look like moving forward.

My mission became simple; I wanted to enjoy my life again and have some fun. I got into the best shape of my life, started taking pride in my appearance and found a really good therapist who helped me work through personal issues and supported me as I healed, grew and changed. I got a job and faced my fears head on. I can't even tell you the confidence I built from working and becoming more independent.

Slowly, I started getting to know myself again. Most importantly I started to love myself and cherish the friendship I was building with myself.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like me again. I felt good. I felt alive. I was having fun, laughing, and smiling again. I had experienced pain like you wouldn't believe. I was pushed, stretched, and challenged. It was a messy, hard, and bumpy journey, but it was also beautiful, healing, and fulfilling.

I believe everyone should embark on their own healing journey, and that journey will look different for everyone. Begin where you are. Gradually, you will get stronger and wiser. One of the greatest pieces of advice I've received is to love yourself the way you wish to be loved by others. Dedicate time to yourself. Treat yourself to something nice. Seek therapy if you need it. Prioritize exercise, your mental health, and your healing. Take yourself to lunch. Take twenty minutes for yourself. Meditate regularly. Just, please don't abandon yourself. Take care of yourself like you're someone worth taking care of. So even with all the pain, I still made the decision to get up, heal, move forward, and start living my life again. I had to walk through fire to get to where I am, and it was fucking hard—but I am so happy I did it.

The biggest things that helped me heal were therapy, meditation, mentors, my spiritual practice, and fitness. Each one played a different role in my healing. As I became stronger physically, I also became stronger mentally and emotionally. It's amazing how much the two go together.

My spiritual practice became especially important to me. It helped me find peace, strength, and had something greater than myself to lean on. Therapy also helped me work through the things I couldn't work through alone. Whatever healing looks like for you, find what supports you and do it for your own well-being.

My husband and I had to take an honest look at our marriage and started working through a lot of hard things together. We actually started talking. One of the best things we did for our marriage was start having fun together again. We made time for each other, started dating again, took trips together, and worked on rebuilding our intimacy. We started showing up for each other again, and somewhere along the way, we fell back in love. It was a lot of work, but worth it.

My healing journey was worth it because I am worth it, and so are you. It was a beautiful journey inward. Getting in shape, finding myself, and healing myself was hard but was also the most transformative. It made me strong mentally and physically! This journey gave me the confidence I never knew possible for myself. I experienced growth and healing, it was a beautiful journey inward, and I had to do the work; no one could do it for me. At the age of 33, I questioned my life and my choices, feeling like I made a million mistakes, but it was time to get back up and rediscover myself again. Not the mom me, not the wife me, but just simply me! I made the choice to choose me, to change for me! I promised myself I would never let myself feel that low ever again!

Through this journey, I discovered who I truly am and who I was not. I made some mistakes along the way, but eventually, I remembered what truly matters. I found my purpose in life and felt inspired to share my journey.

There was a period where comparison dominated my life. I tried to become everything for everyone else and what the world wanted me to be. That is not happiness; that was living for approval, and it sucked! I learned that happiness is an inside job. Make your inner well-being your highest priority, and the rest of your life will rock!

It felt like I finally returned home- home to myself.

My advice if you're in a hard season right now or going through a difficult time is to start by showing yourself love and compassion and seeking the help you need. Don't let years slip by, leaving you feeling like you've lost so much time to grief, darkness, or unhealed wounds. I've experienced this myself, and it was a hard realization. I had endured the unimaginable but eventually I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life simply surviving it.

When I realized I wasn't getting any younger, I knew I needed to start living again. Seeking the help, I needed was the best decision I ever made, and I wish I'd done it sooner. Find your people. Even if it's one person who truly supports you, that's enough. You don't have to find your way through a hard season completely alone.

Eventually, you can find balance; this may take a while, possibly years—mine did. There is freedom on the other side. There was a time to focus on myself, my healing, and my growth along with my marriage. Now, with three kids, life can sometimes feel overwhelming. The key is finding balance, but most importantly, not abandoning yourself.

I have my fitness goals, I dedicate time to my blog, and my own growth. I also make time for my husband, my kids, and relationships that fill me up and make me feel good. I've learned to recognize when I am struggling or overwhelmed and give myself time to recharge.

My motivation now is my kids and providing them the best childhood possible. I can only do that by being my best self. Somewhere along the way, I realized that choosing myself didn't mean I loved them any less. It meant I was finally learning not to lose myself while loving everyone else.

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